I took a photo of my mother with a puzzle on her face
She was lost in concentration next to tulips in a vase
And I framed it good with maple wood and I hung it in its place
And I called it "Almost Round The World In Less Than Eighty Days"

Once I wrote a song about a parrot and a pig
It was mostly about the way I wish I said the things I think
And I played once for people in the Netherlands to see
If it made the same strange sense to them as the sense it made to me

There was a writer from the paper there and he wrote a nice review
That got printed with a photo in the local music news
But the caption read: “A cowboy poet sings about abuse
Of animals in Texas and the things they’re made to do.”

Well I laughed at bad translations and I showed it to my friends
And they posted it online just for the fun and for the fans
And I didn’t think much of it til one day a message came
That said the vegans were erupting and the hunters were inflamed

So I went and read the boards where all the flames were being thrown
And my name was being doused about like fuel upon the coals
The righteous and the roustabouts, the shepherds and the trolls
They were passing around petitions, raising hell and forming folds

And soon the loudest of the louds became the busiest of bees
And it was hard to understand at all, but it was harder to believe
When they somehow woke the NRA like a giant from its sleep
And the beanstalk came a-crashing down and letters fell like leaves

I’ve got an aunt in Arizona, she’s crazy but she’s kind
She’s the kind to open all her mail and to easily subscribe
To the pundits and their politics, the lobbies and their lies
She reads em all like gospel and she eats em up like pie

So imagine if you will the day she called my mom to see
If it’s true that I love terrorists and communists and thieves
Cause it said so in the letter that she’d so easily received
And I rushed to get my camera before my mom could call retreat

So I’ve got this photo of my mother with a puzzle on her face
With the phone against her shoulder and my means against her ways
And the tulips on the table danced in circles while I played
I called it "Almost Round The World In Less Than Eighty Days"

Copyright 2010. Words and music by Danny Schmidt.