If I had a parrot, I'd teach that bird to speak
He'd say:  "Polly, why's the cracker in the White House not impeached?"
He'd say: "Makeup makes you ugly, and TV makes you dumb
And people don't kill people, but they give the assholes guns"
Yes, if I had a parrot, he'd probably land in jail
For saying what I'm thinking and for showing too much tail
He'd speak the world in mirrors, cause that's just what parrots do
And I'd just shrug my shoulders with the Guilty By Association Blues

If I had an elephant, I'd teach him how to dance
Cause there's places you can only get if your elephant can dance
Like palaces and country clubs and boardrooms full of men
Who throw their weight around as though their pleasure was a plan
Yes, if I had an elephant, he'd Dosey-Doe through doors
He'd Can-Can past the "Don't Disturbs" and the point of no reforms
He'd do the Tarantella til the gates were trampled through
And I'd just waltz right by and hum the Guilty By Association Blues

Yes, and if I had a pig, I'd teach that pig to count
Cause it's money that rolls around in mud and hogs that rule the house
But I figure if my pig could root beneath the bottom line
Then we'd both get high on truffles and on dandelion wine
Yes, if my pig could learn to count the beans inside the jar
Or make up fancy numbers that look likely from afar
He'd bring us home the bacon like an honest pig'll do
And I'll be fat and happy with the Guilty By Association Blues

Copyright 2010. Words and music by Danny Schmidt.